13 -11-2008
We can spend our whole lives practicing yoga,meditating, singing mantra's, improve
ourselves in many ways, all of which are really helpful methods. But often the
very core of our problem, our pain, is being avoided. It's very hard to get
to that core, to actually become conscious of it. It's usually created in the
very beginning of our youth and is entangled in everything we do. We can be
spiritually very wise, very scholared, but still have the core belief "I
am worthless". No matter what we do, as long as we don't deal with this,
it won't go away. It's tough becoming conscious of those hardcore patterns,
usually because there's so much other stuff piled on top of it.
02-10-2008
I was having a firy discussion with friends yesterday, who claimed that everything
we do is selfish and that there's no such thing as altruism. To me there's not
really much difference, since when you help other people it often really helps
yourself as well. On the other side when you're a complete asshole, it might
give some shortlasting satisfaction but you will always end up feeling miserable.
So this is some sort of mean unmature selfishness. People who tend to live in
a more sociable way, do this not only because others will benefit from it, but
also they themselves. So in a way this is selfish, but a more mature version
of selfishness. I think that this realisation in people can grow without limits,
with the boundaries of selfishness and altruism fading more and more. I think
ego is a healthy part of human beings, it keeps you alert, and usually has some
sense of truth in it. But she needs to be tamed, because if she gets too much
attention, she becomes spoiled like a difficult child. Chogyam Trungpa always
referred to ego as a cocoon, we might feel as if it were comfortable, but deep
inside we want to break out. I think we never really get rid of the cocoon,
but instead will start wearing it as a beautiful suit, we still wear it, but
it does not limit us in any way.
19-09-2008
I just love things too much, it's my handicap.
22-07-2008
The middlepath is the best antidote there is.
21-07-2008
I saw Jeniferever on sunday, it was like seeing a band from another planet.
I can't believe how one of the best bands in the world can remain so undiscovered.
Sometimes it seems as if some bands are just too talented for this world, it
kind of saddens me. Yesterday's gig was really small, but still their every
note touched me, it was very raw. Please check out their myspace www.myspace.com/jeniferever
12-07-2008
I saw Dinosaur Jr yesterday, what an experience that was. I think they are one
of the last real authentic rockbands from the 90's. Glad i could experience
how that is really like..
26-05-2008
5 minutes
in which we can be ourselves
5 minutes in which we don't have to be perfect
5 minutes without being hard on ourselves
5 minutes where we can just feel whatever we feel
5 minutes of being honest towards ourselves
5 minutes of just being
5 minutes every day
24-03-2008
I live for love, that's it.
31-01-2008
Something I forgot to mention, but my absolute favourite albums in 2007 were:
1. Silversun Pickups - Carnavas
2. Dinosaur Jr. - Beyond
3. Last Days of April - Might as well live
4. Jeniferever - Choose a Bright Morning
I had kind of given up the hope of finding new music and actually
really being touched by it, but last year was very good in that sense. It's
good to know that there's actual talents and most importantly actual bands,
because that seems to be something which has disappeared for a long time. Where
it's not about the image, or concept, but purely about the music. Just people
who are soaked with talent, who breathe talent. Band and artists who give more
than was ever asked of them, they give more than this earth can take at once,
that's why they last so long.
16-01-2008
You can't clean up everything at once
09-01-2008
If you work solely on vision, Heaven, you slowly loose contact with Earth, fearlesness.
The more you engage in Heaven, the more you owe to Earth. Vision enlarges all
your little fears, because it shows you that you also have to move on on an
Earth level. If you go to fast on one level, you loose your balance and your
contact. If these two are in balance, ofcourse with its beautiful variations,
one can always feel when to switch to vision/compassion or fearlesness/action.
In this way there's a continuous forward movement, eventhough you constantly
run into challenges and hesitation, eventually it's always worth to see what's
behind it. X
03-01-2008
The question is what do you believe in?
28-12-2007
I miss finland so extremely much during these days
27-11-07
Is my warrior's path getting closer?
27-10-07
I regret all the love that i rejected, I genuinely fucked it up
21-10-07
I think Björk is enlightened
02-10-07
My relationship with life is getting better, realising more and more what happened
these years and finding back my path again. I have been way off, but i am coming
back, just wish many times i had done it before, that i was brave when it was
most needed. I rejected my own heart.
08-09-07
I hope one day my heart will completely open up again
15-08-07
For some reason my mind needs a lot of love
08-08-07
How do I combine my vision with daily life?
06-08-07
have to remain hopeful and keep my head up high, i really need some hope..
03-08-07
Just keep on going eventhough there's no ground underneath your feet. I will
have to start making that journey.
22-07-07
I've missed out on so many things, so many beautiful things
08-07-07
I just came home from a week of traveling through the Finnish woods with my
friend wouter, somehow nature always brings me back to my own. I become so much
more myself when i'm surrounded by nature, I just can't be fake because the
nature reminds me too much of my own nature. It's sometimes very hard to be
reminded of this when you live in the city.
25-06-07
It's funny how i know so well what it is I fear, still most of the time I prefer
to stay in my cocoon, not stepping outside of it. Whilst it's fresh air that
I crave mostly. In order to experience clarity, life and the joy we had as a
child we have to keep moving closer to what we fear.
In order to overcome selfishness, it is necessary to be daring. It is as
though you were dressed in your swimsuit, standing on the diving board with
a pool in front of you and you ask yourself; "Now what?". The obvious
answer is; "Jump". That is daring. You might wonder if you will sink
or hurt yourself if you jump. you might. There's no insurance, but it's worthwhile
jumping to find out what will happen. The student warrior has to jump.
excerpt from
Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior by Chögyam Trungpa
04-06-2007
The problem
with today's rockmusic is that there's no room left for raw emotion, it all
has to fit and it seems that there has been made laws and standards. It seems
nowadays you have to think about the music that you make, there's not alot of
room for intense emotions because we lost our trust in them. Nowadays artists
are more respected for their technical skills, their looks and their fucking
clothes than their sincerity. Somehow emotions in modern music are passé.
Which is a shame, they make life and songs beautiful.
The killer in me is the killer in you...
18-05-07
Will I ever return to heaven?
17-02-2007
For God's sake, always be positive x
21-01-2007
Life is a play between wakefulness and compassion. You can have as much sharpness
and wakefulness, but if you don't open up to other beings it's worth nothing
and it won't make you happy. You just are a pain in the ass to others, but mostly
to yourself, you'll make it really hard on yourself. The quality of wakefulness
becomes healthy when it is blended with compassion towards others. If you keep
it all inside, you just become crazy, there's no oil to actually use it and
there's no flow, you loose your beauty.
22-11-2006
I am guilty of not completely following my own heart, my heart is my religion.
01-11-2006
Let go of all discursive thoughts
27-10-06
I need hope and love
22-10-06
Whenever I get in touch with magic again, i will never leave her again. You
have to know when you have to act, when it's the time that you get on stage
and show yourself completely, without limiting yourself in any way. That is
what the world needs, bravery and nakedness, without limits. Be present.
19-10-06
Keep discipline in your life, don't give up on your mind and on life. Stay awake
16-10-06
Why did I ever give up on what I find most important?
09-08-06
In the end of the day you can only trust your own path and experience. I think
it is only experience that can really teach us, if we dare to listen to it.
We have to find out ourselves what the dealio is, listen to your own experience.
Ourselves is basically all we have.
03-08-06
Vivre avec le coeur
02-08-06
Are you cool with yourself? Can you be with yourself and actually befriend yourself?
Are you honest in the situations when it really comes down to it? Do you really
listen to your heart, to what it desires? Do you dare to face the things that
scare you?
... Sometimes, it's good to ask yourself these questions.
28-07-06
You have to be willing to make jumps, to face situations and be sincere about
how you feel, so you can be fully present. It's what makes life so damn interesting
and beautiful, this human quality, completely alive. You really have to give
yourself to the world, as a gift.
16-07-06
Life is all about growing up, becoming who we are, becoming human, finding love
in our hearts and really just maturing. It's all very simple and beautiful,
you don't have to think about it alot, you have to actually do it and be there,
be fully there.
11-07-06
How wonderful it is to be in the flow of life. Taking whatever comes...
29-06-06
Going back to the nature of the mind
28-06-06
I take my refuge in openness and life itself.
17-06-06
I am going on a Shambhala Buddhist retreat today, in Mälmkoping, Sweden.
I hope I can let go of my stupid selfnishness, truly let go and open my heart.
11-06-06
Open your heart to life
Drala is running through my veins
10-06-06
I miss my crazy Spanish friends so much
10-06-06
Let go of all aggression. This means, letting go of all this resistance against
the world. Ofcourse this must happen very slowly, because else we start having
aggression against aggression, it's a process. But as we let go, our minds become
more spacious, more free. Our heart becomes bigger and there is more joy. We
start having a raw, intimate relationship with life.
06-06-06
I retreat myself, try to become conscious of all that is in my life. Let the
confusion sink to the bottom and I become silent and sincere. My life becomes
clear again. I let it be. I retreat myself, because I want to be born again
and because I love life.
05-06-06
Be very gentle to yourself
02-06-2006 That mind of fearfulness
Should be put in the cradle of loving-kindness
And suckled with the profound and brilliant milk
Of eternal doubtlesness.
excerpt from The
Letter of The Black Ashe, written by Trungpa Rinpoche
30-05-06
I feel as though I am slowly getting back my inspiration, as long as I dare
to just be me in this world. To just relax and allow myself to feel whatever
I feel, also all the boring stuff. To allow all the things I kept hidden so
long, just letting them be and giving it time. Without trying to change it or
manipulate it.
28-05-06
I really love my friends and my future friends
27-05-06
May this whole world come into Now, and into Heartbreak. God I hate all the
unmagic, you are my only enemy, forever. I swear to God I will do anything to
kill you.
23-05-06
Cutting through the middlepath, Ashe
18-05-06
Life is all about life
11-05-06
I am too much into samsara right now, and I can't seem to find a way out, it
has closed in on me. I am so glad to go on a buddhist retreat next month. I
am even contemplating becoming a monk for a while, to release the powers I have
in me and to clean up all the mess I have made, to become pure again.
04-05-06
Billy Corgan, Fiona Apple, Antony (from Antony and the Johnsons), Vincent Van
Gogh,these are all people who have/had a very close connection to the magic
of this world. Although their ways may be strange, there is so much truth in
their work. I think that's why they are so popular, because they have the ability
to let fixed minds flow into some sort of timeless state, the heart of life.
But it's not easy being born with this sensitivity, because one is basically
being born totally open and we live in a world where people have built up such
defense techniques so that life becomes very sleepy and comfortable. I think
that is why great artists tend to fixate their magic, which causes them to feel
desolated. The next step is "simply" to bring that magic into the
world (something I really see in artists like Billy Corgan these days). Funny
thing is that usually this is done by some form of spirituality, for me that
is Buddhism.There is nothing wrong with normalcy. nothing at all, i have really
grown a deep appreciation for it these past years, I love it,but there is just
more than that! I am in love with the qualities of Earth.
30-04-06 Since all things are naked, clear and free from obscurations, there is
nothing to attain or realize. The everyday practice is simply to
develop a complete acceptance and openness to all situations and
emotions. And to all people --experiencing everything totally without
reservations and blockages, so that one never withdraws or centralizes
onto oneself.
Excerpted from a Maha Ati text, translated by Trungpa Rinpoche
15-04-06
I miss those times in Joensuu so much. I can't explain how magical that time
was. My heart still lies in those beautiful days...
12-04-06
Why the Hell am I waiting to make that jump?
11-04-06
Sometimes I feel lonely, as if I go through a day without one person seeing
my heart. When nobody recognises your heart it makes you doubt yourself. I feel
vulnerable.
05-04-06
My path is a very chaotic one, but she is definately a path. I guess i prefer
it this way, the rough, unpolished and very direct way.
31-03-06
I want my friends to know, that underneath it all, no matter what happens ,
what stays most important to me is heart. The sincere moments we share.
26-03-06
Summer is coming up and I am hoping for a very intense one. May hearts blossom.
15-03-06
It's hard realising that you can get so much more out of life. So many times
I get the feeling as if there's a whole new life for me out there but I just
stay stuck into my old rusty patterns. Every time i need a wake up call to realise
this (for instance right now i'm ill), the fact that life can become a sleepy
routine instead of living day by day. But luckily I am really living towards
that, i am starting to see more clearly what are the things that obstruct me
from being passionate and full of life's energy. To me that is basically not
being put down by all the daily obligations, cleaning my house, working for
school, filling in papers, you know all the mundane stuff. To many people this
might seem strange, but for me this is my biggest obstacle in life. I really
feel that once I get the grip on daily life my life will be so much more smoother
because I feel my mind is already free on certain areas. But for me this is
simply hard working, but I am doing it. What is difficult for you?
02-03-06
Fiona Apple, I love you
01-03-06
Step by step
25-02-06
The biggest burden in my Buddhist practice is that I always forget to relax
into it. I always get fixated, trying to reach out for something and end up
loosing the Big Mind. Instead of letting life be a very awake flow, my mind
becomes small again, filled with worries and self-doubt. I really noticed that
opening your mind really requires gentleness and a sort of simplification, it
is all so simple. This all has to do with trusting myself, putting trust in
the fact that I can be myself completely. Practice should be very simple, it's
rather a process of unlearning then learning. Why not have joy in life?
You can't fixate space.
17-02-2006
So what's up now in my life? Well, basically I am just living and studying.
It's like life itself now is my greatest challenge. I feel as if I have so much
in me and really it's funny, because I have no outlet what so ever, I have no
band, no job and no relationship. But that all is ok, really, i don't even know
if I am ready for all that (eventhough my bank account is more than ready for
some salary), instead I try to just relax, synchronise my body again, to feel
good about myself and really letting all the mud sink to the bottom. There's
never no need for becoming too serious.
01-02-2006
Sometimes you can only do, work, live, clean up the mess you made. It sucks,
because it seems such an ordinary activity, I mean, this is what 'normal' people
build their lives around, to making life as comfortable as possible, avoiding
any trouble. I have never ever done that, i have always tried to keep my freedom
of mind by protesting against that, against the mundane and that has always
felt great to me. But you just come to a certain point where this protest also
just becomes a dirty smelly habit, it just doesn't feel right anymore. What
feels right at the moment is working on my study, keeping my house clean, arranging
my life, because my freedom of mind lies behind these things. Once I start doing
these things, back comes the inspiration, back comes the energy of windhorse,
unshakable healthiness and confidence, juice of life. You just can't become
a king in your own life if you neglect these things. The people from earth should
open their minds, the people from heaven should connect to earth and that's
just the way it is. I am always so inspired if an earth person has heaven qualities
and vice versa.And yes, I am fighting again, I try to come back in life again.
But people have no idea how hard it is for a heavenboy to land on earth. So
I have these breaks, where I just totally long for romance and timeless beauty,
my only drugs, to the time life was still a movie, with a soundtrack, without
ever being pulled away by unmagic. And then I wake up again, realise that I
have to be a warrior and continue, going into a new phase. Combining magic with
earth is the most beautiful sight I have ever seen on the horizon.
28-01-2006
I love Spanish people....
21-01-2006
People always say; there's many truths in life, I dare to refute that idea.
Things are as they are, and that's it. We can create a thousand stories around
them, but still they are as they are. Yes, we can treat life in countless of
ways, yet life itself remains the same. When we are sick, we are sick, when
we have a flat tire, we have a flat tire, when we drink or smoke too much our
body gets unhealthy. I mean, there's nothing inherently wrong with drinking
or smoking i think, there's no evil in it (at least I don't see it), it just
causes what it causes. A little bit of alcohol causes no harm to me and is even
said by many scientists to be healthy (actually people who drink a glass once
in a while live longer). All I mean to say is that there is one thing that definately
makes us people happy and that is using our human wisdom, our emotional intelligence,
our hearts. And we can all have different approaches to that, and that is great,
because we can be complementary to one another. And still there is no must,
we don't have to be perfect, but there is a truth in every moment and we know
it. Every moment and every problem in life has a mature solution to it, wether
we choose that solution or not. So truth lies not in the way we think about
life, it lies in the way we treat life, that is truth, beyond words.
18-01-2006
I can't stop fighting the good fight, it's the only thing in life that really
makes me happy; passion, the heart of life. But why do I fall asleep so many
times? I guess it's the easy path. Damned Bjarne, move on, go on, it is time
to wake up! start fighting again!
07-01-2006
I am listening to a talk by Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche, he says; " in our
society we take so much care of our bodies, we work out, we do our hair, we
try to look good etc. But why don't we take just as good care of our minds?"
I think it's a strange thing indeed. I mean why do we clean our bodies every
day, but do not clean our minds every day? Why do we let so much garbage get
into our beautiful minds if life could be so much bigger? I think meditation
is useful for all kinds of people, no matter what religion you have or what
kind of a person you are. It is just a way of taming our wild minds so we can
become friends with it and our lives become more open. It's a very normal thing.
04-01-2006
Does purity still mean anything to anyone in this world?
Guys like me can't fall asleep...
27-12-05
You know why so many artists make one amazing album, and basically just suck
after that? I give you: Live - Throwing Copper, Alanis Morrisette - Jagged Little
Pill, Goo Goo Dolls - Dizzy Up the Girl, The Used - The Used. These are all
albums on which every freaking song is so great and you just feel that the artist
totally gives him or herself, that is why people like it so much, it just warms
your heart. But why, why do they close up again after that? I mean, the albums
following the ones I just mentioned, they were just plain albums that hardly
struck me at all, maybe one or two songs that I liked. It is because as an artist
you have to grow and keep on going, you take your listener with you on a trip,
if you get scared you end up making crappy songs full of unmagic. I truly believe
music can heal the world, but please, you gifted artists, keep on moving!!
25-12-05
The agression in this world is scary and it really stuns me again, now that
I am back in Holland. But I feel as if I have so much energy and hope now, there
is no reason to let it get me down. I really hope you all have had a good Christmas
today and feel positive in your hearts. love you..
15-12-05
The world is crazy, really crazy. Sometimes i feel like an alien, is the rest
of the world crazy, or am I? Maybe I am the one who is crazy, but if there is
one path i should walk it is mine isn't it? I really decided not to give a shit
anymore about armchair critics who are to afraid to live themselves. My heroes
have always been the ones who strive but dare to make mistakes along the way,
like Ray Cappo, Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, Billy Corgan, Bill Clinton. If you
strive for truth in any way, people are gonna start blaming you, it is an evolutionary
left over us people have. I think the best way is to not give a shit about it
without aggression, aggression is out of the question, because we don't want
to add more suffering to the world do we? Instead of becoming aggressive, we
can use our anger as a useful energy. But we have to avoid idiot compassion,
that's what I mean with not giving a shit without aggression. There is no room
or time for compromises, you just walk on. I love all of you who want to make
a change, no matter how.
6-12-05
I miss Rotterdam..
3-12-05
I am definately not a standard model Buddhist (if there is ever such a thing).
But that is what I love about Shambhala Buddhism the way Trungpa set it up,
there's room for being yourself, there's room for being crazy. You can be a
rockstar, a businessman, a doctor, I mean our western society is really good
as it is and practice will only sharpen it more and more. We don't pretend to
be uptight holy men, instead we practice to become ourselves more and more and
to open up more and more, AS OURSELVES, as long as we keep moving on and never
fall into a too steady version of ourselves, because that is when we start separating
ourselves from this world (obviously that is ok as well, but once you have opened
your world this just feels claustrofobic). This all means that everyone has
his/her own style and that is fine, this is how we touch people. There's just
one thing that we all seem to share, which is the desire to enlighten society
and to just stop this foolish neurotic condition the world is in today. To get
people to trust on themselves and their own inner wisdom (and I don't mean preaching
Buddhism, cause it's not a religion of any kind). At least that is what I more
and more want to dedicate my life to and in no way does that feel as a depressing
task, au contraire; it's the only way to go.
29-11-2005
Tonight is one of those nights I could stay up all night making new music, writing
lyrics, making plans. I don't know whether it is because of the Finnish Espresso
I had just a few hours ago (Espresso is my latest addiction) or because I am
just really passionate these days. The scary thing about Finland is that your
sense of time gets completely lost since it get's darker and darker every day.
This way 4 o clock in the afternoon makes no difference with 1 in the night.
The least I can say is that Finland inspires me massively in my music, no wonder
world famous bands like HIM, The Rasmus and the Bomfunk Mc's (ok, bad example)
come from this great place.
28-11-2005
Oh music, whichever direction you want me to go, i will go. I will treasure
you always cause you were the first contact I ever had with the true heart of
life. It is therefore I will keep feeding you and do whatever it takes in my
life to keep you going. Whenever you dry out, it is just a sign I need to work
on my life, for it is Truth that nourishes you.
23-11-2005
I still stand by the fact that the Smashing Pumpkins are the very gods of rockmusic,
there was no arrogance in their pride, maybe positive arrogance as it is called
in Shambhala Buddhism. They were my first contact with the true elegance of
life, they have my deepest heartfelt respect. My heart is exploding these days.
21-11-2005
I am waiting for the day that my heaven and earth will come together again.
The day that I come back from this long long trip that I took. All the people
that knew me as a heaven person will recognise me again, all the people who
have seen my earth personality will see who I truly am. I know this is the road
I am taking now, the road back to my heart, back to actually being me again,
but with alot more freedom. I know that will be the moment my life can and will
really start again.
08-11-2005
Everything is workable
06-11-2005
I just came back from a weekend in Helsinki. I stayed there with my cousin who
showed me the beautiful nightlife of Helsinki. It is truly a great city, the
place where traditional finland and the world come together, nevertheless it
is stays truly finnish. It seems to be almost the perfect city to live in. The
international openness of the city sharpens the shyness of the finnish people
and seems to bring out the quality of being sincere and honest. In Helsinki
the tendency of finnish people to be closed doesn't necessarily lead to depression
(something you can see alot more in the region where I live now), especially
the finnish women seem to be very much in balance with their finnish character.
It makes them mighty beautiful and elegant. The fact that they take such good
care of life and their environment, but never forgetting their finnishness.
The men however, seem to have more trouble with this. For them it is harder
to open up and that makes the woman in Finland so powerful (lots of topfunctions
are positioned by women, for instance presidentship) because they moreover possess
the power of emotional intelligence.
Besides all this contemplation about my country and people I am truly preparing
myself to go back to holland, mentally that is. I feel as if I am finding back
my heart, strength and shine. It is like preparing yourself for snowboarding
on a slope where one has to be awake every second, I am dying for the challenge
and the choas, the heartbreak, new stories (but hopefully not getting lost in
them)and becoming friends with the old ones. It is practice dear..
24-10-2005
It is snowing in Joensuu, fuck yeah!!
In the meanwhile my obsession with the Smashing Pumpkins grows bigger every
day...
That, and I feel ready to dive into this confusing world again and show myself
again, even if it hurts..
22-10-2005
I have such a big urge to get my new band up and going (which still hasn't got
a name, but i have some ideas that might fit. I will ask my bandmates upon my
return to Holland). I feel some of the songs are truly what i want to represent
in music, they are simple rocksongs, yet surprising and i'd say fresh . What
a fucking great feeling it will be to get on stage again, and to bring good
ol'fashion rock back into the world. Unlike my solo project, the songs are mostly
about love, yes.. romantic love. Not in the cliche corny sleepy way, but in
the fresh, exciting and new way. Here's some lyrics I wrote for a yet to be
finished song:
I wake up every day
Thinking today won’t be a throw-away
Because I’d breath in any pain,
That blocks me from seeing you
I hope
you see me as a growing man
As a star who’s waiting for his comeback
Because there is freshness running through my veins
It’s the very substance dreams are made of.
Maybe
she’s a ghost in my head
Maybe she’s a ghost
Baby I
won’t limit myself to anything
And there’s nothing that I won’t face
And if I hesitate, feel free to sweep me down
And blow those air castles away
There’s
not a word that I regret
That I have said while being free of doubt
While being fearless
I know
you know
I know you know
11-10-05
I miss the warmth of december
my beautiful scarve and your warm lights.
It flows through my mind
10-10-05
Today is the birthday of Aleksis Kivi, the most famous Finnish national writer.
People here are so proud of his writings that today hundreds of Finnish flags
decorate the skyline of joensuu. I got a poem of Aleksis Kivi through the mail
called The Finnish Land (Suomenmaa) which i really liked. Some excerpts:
"What is
that land of hill and dale
That is so beautiful,
The land aglow with summer days,
Land with the northern lights ablaze,
Whose beauty all the seasons share,
What is that land so fair?
There many thousand lakes are bright
With twinkling stars at night
There many kanteles resound
And all around make hillsides sing
And on the golden heath firs ring:
That is the Finnish land."
"To fall
asleep in your embrace,
Land of our dreams, what bliss,
O you our cradle, you our grave,
You the new hope we ever crave,
Peninsula so beautiful,
Finland for aye our all!"
04-10-05
When will i burst?
28-09-05
Look who I found on the Joensuu bowling court!! it's The Jesus!!!!!
(actually it's my good friend Santiago)
25-09-05
I write to you again from Finland. The time I have had here has been absolutely
wonderful so far. It's crazy, cause I have no obligations what so ever, not
the daily stress I have in Holland. Instead, every day I enjoy riding with my
awesome oldschool bike (that I stole.. it's a long story) through the city and
meet up with my friends, who are mostly Spanish (I have learned more Spanish
since i got here than finnish, no me jodas!) and at night I go to the spanish
ghetto, to the karoake bar, to a jazz play, or I give a party at my home (nobody
here ever complains about anything). The finnish people still fascinate me and
still I have such a hard time reaching them, they move silently through life
and you only hear what lives in them when they drink alcohol (and they drink
alot). It is unlike anything i have ever seen and sometimes it hurts me to see
people living like that. You see people walking on the streets and just knowing
they have so much on their guts, but here it is just not the culture to just
spit it out (i am talking about emotions), beacuse from an early age they learn
to be this way. Yet underneath it all, they are very warm people, once you get
to know them. Iam gonna do more travelling, next week I will go to Tampere,
where my family lives and meet all my cousins, grandparents etc. And I am also
planning trips to Sweden and Russia, which must be totally different, Sweden
especially I am very excited about.
12-08-09
I am in Finland now. It is beautiful place where I live. The city is centred
in the middle of endless forests and lakes, where autumn already starts to kick
in. The centre is really small, but cozy and it is packed with international
students. The finnish people are too kind, very humble and honest. This is the
very area were my grandparents come from, it is part of my roots. I really hope
to discover the essence of those roots here, I feel as if finnish people have
qualities which are very rare in the rest of the world. Sure they are very shy,
but they seem to do everything they do with so much care. You can see it in
the architecture, the wooden and glass handcraft, the way they make clothes,
etc.. People seem to be an extension of the nature, they carry that same secret
with them as the forests do. It's a quality that makes the people so pure and
honest here, they have no masks.
13-08-05
To become pure.
12-08-05
I am recording a new song on my 4-track called 'Elegant'. I wanted to do the
vocals today but for some reason I have this weird freakin'cold that just keeps
sticking in the back of my nostrils. For me it is one of the warmest songs I
have ever written, weird thing is that nobody has heard it yet, so I am very
curious about what people will think of it. All the songs I record on my 4-track
are skecthes for recordings I would like to do in an actual studio, but the
idea comes across. It also has piano (keyboard) in it, which is a totally new
revelation for me these days. I think I might have been a piano player in my
previous life, cause I have this weird attraction to it, way more then to the
guitar. I love playing guitar, but still, guitar and me are more like friends
then lovers, good friends though. I hope I can record everything tomorrow and
put it online, if not it will be the end of next week , because I am going to
France for a week, or Spain, we don't know yet. Anyway, when it is online, let
me know what you think of it and please do leave a message in my guestbook,
I am a sucker for digital attention.
07-08-05
I hope summer is working out for you. It has been pretty good for me I might
say. I just don't like that my making of music is on such a hold. Also with
my band, i think we have made some pretty awesome songs but it has just not
ascended yet. I feel as if I have so much to write, make, produce, but how and
when? I guess right now is a good time. May all be that has to be, with an immeasurably
powerful roar.
29-07-05
I came back from Italy today where I stayed with my two crazy friends Berend
and Oscar. It was very nice, the people were very nice, the food was Godlike,
the woman were extraordinary beautiful and I met some very nice, pure people.
I feel as if I have gotten a taste of what Italy can be like. Next time I would
like to go to the south of Italy, to really shake off any european scent to
it and return to mediteranean purity that I love so very deeply, it moves my
every cell. I will write a song about it sooner or later...
19-07-05
Today I realised that if we really want to change the world, that change has
to start from within, because everything is in connection with that. If we try
and change the world with too much confusion and mess in hour hearts we won't
get any further. Ray Cappo, singer of the legendary hardcore bands Shelter and
Youth of Today once said during a concert: Lately I have only been working on
myself, because I am a part of the world. If I change myself, I am changing
the world right? That one line said it all for me. So changing the world is
indeed in all the little things, it is in fact very ordinary. It is for this
reason that I am very glad that Buddhism is being incorporated into normal daily
life more and more instead of being a monastic tradition (which ofcourse spawned
some of the greatest teachers) is becoming a non-religious way of becoming decent
and hopefull people.
18-07-05
It is holidays for me now, I kicked my last exam's ass unhumanly hard and now
all I am pretty much doing is going out, playing guitar and slowly letting myself
flow into the rythm of the season. Next wednesday I am going to beautiful Italy,
to a small pitoresque coast village called "Beautiful Sun", how perfect
is that?
My band is also getting along pretty wel, we have a new guitarplayer: Elmer,
we all agree that he is a great add to our band. Only thing is that I am going
to finland for 4 months, so there is gonna be a big pause in between, I hope
that when I get back, we can just go for the ride, become a solid band, actually
come up with a name we all agree on ( I came up with: 'A Beautiful Mind', 'In
The Moment' and 'Everwood', do you have any better suggestions? mail me!) and
rock like gods José! So next month I will finish my demo and I will place
two songs on the website. I will not release it yet though, I will do so when
I come back from Finland. Have a fantastic summer!
20-06-05
The last couple of weeks of my study (psychology) have started, I have so much
to do, but I find it really hard to actually get to it, the temptation of my
guitar, internet, rotown, the burning sun and dreaming away are sometimes really
too much for me. But i have to do it, mastering daily life. Cause you know,
for some reason, i notice that because i am so fucking lazy with school and
everything, also my music inspiration is just way less, cause there is this
constant voice in my head saying; you need to do this and that, after you have
done that, I am gonna give you back your infinite inspiration. It sucks, but
it is the truth. But I really do feel I am moving on, I have no other way to
go, do I?
As for music, I am gonna record a new demo next month with my good friend Sammy.
I will really put as much effort in it as i can and I will really try to make
it fresh, with a beginner's mind, because that is where music comes from. But
for now I promise myself I will put beginner's mind into school.
10-06-05
I went and see Billy Corgan ( singer of legendary smashing pumpkins) last night
in Paradiso Amsterdam. The place was packed with people who have been touched
by his magic just like me. When he came up i got chickenpoks all over, the show
was magic, he was magic, his whole presence. There's something about this man
that makes him so very special, as if he dares to show something we all hide.
He is one of the few heroes I am so very grateful for to have experienced in
real life. Thanks Billy..
06-06-05
Finally.. I have internet again, so I can update this site again. I write these
words with paint on my hands, green paint which now mysterizes the new room
I live in. I
moved to a new house with the-brother-I-never-had-Nils. It is a big dirty house,
with hell alotta potential, but to get to that potential it still needs hell
alotta fixing, cleaning, characterizing and systemizing. I have a very busy
month and so many plans ahead, but I am hoping for inspiration and surprises
in between all those steady plans. I am working hard on things, on my music,
on my self, but it all just takes time. Burning a middlepath through life, but
also finding some sort of steadiness and attachment again, a flexible steadiness
which is very present. I will speak to you soon, kiss
06-12-04
The year is coming to an end, it is a good ending and it has been a good year
for me till so far I might say. i feel as if i have made quite some progression
musically, socially (met some really inspiring new people), spiritually and
personally. I really feel as if now I'm sowing for the future, working on myself,
getting in touch with all fields in my life, with different kinds of people
and especially learning hella lot from them. I notice that if i just connect
with all kinds of people with an open mind, this brings so much freedom, really
letting go of my own ideas about life and listening to what other people have
to say about it, a flexible broad mind. So next year... exciting, I wonder what
it will bring. I hope the same as this year, but even deeper, broader and I
hope i will get out of it as much as I can, absorbing it, being it, relaxing
into it. Letting life unfold in a natural way whilst working with my mind. I
also have some more concrete plans ;), especially the new band I'm playing in,
I am putting lots of time into that, I will try and work more on my solo songs,
especially making them more representable and professional, cause they still
tend to be a bit like a closed flower which needs to blossom. I just want to
keep on fine tuning things in my life, from my study psychology, to my driving
skills, to keeping a good clean room, to working out, you name it. But it all
starts from inside, it must be done with maitri (care for oneself) because else
it just feels like we have to reach something to feel good about ourselves.
It works vice versa, we do things BECAUSE we feel good about ourselves. Chogyam
Trungpa said; the path is the goal. We just work with what's on our path, without
getting harsh on ourselves, there's no such thing as a must. I wish you good
luck wherever you are.
28-11-04
Lately I am really starting to see the value of staying with myself in the moments
I really find hard to deal with, or are always confusing to me. Letting the
experience unfold, letting it be. Tsoknyi Rinpoche wrote some words about it
which hangs above my bed now:
Usually when we
fix our attention
We confine our natural cognizance
Instead of doing that, why not simply let experience unfold?
There is some energy in the beauty
In the ugliness,
In whatever situation you are in.
Just let it unfold, and you'll know more and more
There's no need to fix it or nail it down
Just be carefree and let things be
Then every single state within samsara and nirvana
Will only unfold, more and more.
When we are wide awake, anything can take place, can't it?
Tsoknyi Rinpoche
15-11-04
I am craving for inspiration, for romantic beauty, youthful beauty. I started
out a new band, with some members of springrain, raise kain and 88 circles above.
I think the best way to describe it is heartbreaking rock. We already finished
1,5 songs. I feel so free when I play music like that, I don't feel any blockage
in giving myself, because it is so youthful and beautiful. I can not wait to
go out and perform again, since North is over I really miss that. I am really
hoping for it to become solid. We are working very hard on it and I will keep
you updated about it.
10-11-04
If I had to say the very purpose of life, it had to be opening up. Opening up
to all experiences, all people, ourselves, the world, school, work, love. I
noticed today that I can actually USE every nasty situation I'm in to untangle
the knots i have inside. By breathing it in and relaxing in it, it slowly crumbles
down our walls, it poisons our walls. It's almost like a virus, which in this
case is good because it gives us room to breathe again. It's the virus of freedom.
03-11-04
What is growing up? I think growing up means seeing the transparency of life
more. Seeing things as they are, with humor, the older you get the more sips
you take of the river of silence. Ofcourse this does not just happen, it is
very different from person to person, depending on what he/she ventured in life
and how much he/she opened up to those experiences. I talked with my meditation
instructor Cor yesterday. We were talking about this feeling of openness and
he said that you can't manipulate that feeling or try to obtain it, cause it's
something we already have. Realising this is the greatest gift and happiness.
But with this process comes alot of falling down and standing up, getting our
fingers burned like a pinball being tossed around in the machine, finding out
what is to be renunciated, what we can let go of.
28-10-04
Freedom is not graspable, it's always there. No matter what the situation is,
there's always freedom. All this magic I have felt throughout my life, is still
there. Joy I feel now, is in no sense different then joy i used to feel while
being a small kid. This is not MY joy, it's the very joy we all feel. It's timeless,
unbounded, unconditioned.
Thank God it is...
10-10-04
At certain times in your life you have to do it, open yourself up to the way
things are, to how you are, to how your life is and to how the world is. Suzuki
Roshi (one of the greatest Zen teachers of the last century) said there are
four kind of horses; the first one who sees the shadow of the whip and already
starts running, the second one who merely feels the wip and starts running,
the third one who feels the whip and runs of and the fourth one who lets the
wip hit him so hard that he feels it to the bones before he starts running.
I am somewhere in between the third and the last one. I need a kick in the ass
sometimes to wake me up. But there's one thing all this meditation and buddhist
study has given me; i'm starting to see the signs, starting to see; I now have
to recognise that life is slapping me in my face and wake up, because life is
not much more than someone who is slapping me in the face because I am unconscious.
Slaps in the faces are not nothing less than oppurtunities, one more step on
the ladder. Three years ago, I laid in the hospital and almost died there, to
be honest, i have experienced some of the most happy moments in my life there,
because I was fully alive, just alive, I had nothing to loose. And it can be
exactly that state which we can also experience in daily life, having nothing
to loose. So I am grateful for that, for the fact that I am starting to become
conscious a bit more and see...
02-10-04
Hi there, hope you're well. I'm ok, my songs are received perceived pretty well,
some people are really positive about it and some people just aren't touched
by them, I guess i must get used to that. I just came back from hanging out
in rotown. I am partially in love with the barlady at rotown, she's very defensive
and downright mean, but I love that. It just means that she's a very tenderhearted
person who doesn't want to get hurt, I understand fully. Above all that, she's
sexy and alive. At least she's not afraid to show her defensiveness, her fight
against this world. I honor girls like her. x Bjarne
25-09-04
Haven't written in a while, my internet has been down for 4 freaking days! Anyway,
i have also been very busy at the buddhist centre, following weekend courses
and studying. I am in the middle of a (shambhala) buddhist weekend right now,
it's always so confronting. Makes me realise how far i am many times from my
heart, from just being me and being present. Makes me realise all the things
I'm always holding on to, makes the longing for freedom very painfully clear.
But on the other hand that's a very good sign, it's a painful sign, but a good
one. Just sitting with it, watching it, becoming familiar with it, opening up
to the closedheartedness, as a warrior. Friday night I came home from the centre,
what I usually do when I come home late at night, is I put on the the tv (mostly
mtv) and internet and just drown my senses in entertainment. So also this time
I did that, but for some reason it just didn't grab me, it just slided of from
me. Instead of that i just closed of everything and just sat on my bed, being
touched by the moment with extreme gentleness.
That source of
happiness,
of letting go
The joy of warriorship, which is always there.
Accepting life as it is and as it comes.
Softly with myself,
into the timeless,
with consciousness,
care for everything.
12-09-04
Hello people, the recording and the mixing is almost done. There's just one
song which needs some boost on the vocals, I will put all the songs online next
week. I am pretty satisfied with it, it has all the songs on it as i like them
to be. It's not recorded in a million dollarstudio, but sammy did a good job
and the songs come across, that's what counts to me. I am just gonna keep on
giving music, it's the giving of it that gives me most satisfaction. And if
it doesn't work out this time, i get up again, and start giving again, even
if i get nothing back.
Today I also practiced with ex-members of 88 circles above (everyone except
Wendel, the singer), it went pretty well for this first time. Only trouble is
that we have to travel back and forth, because they are from Amsterdam, and
I as you might know, live in Rotterdam. But if it clicks musically, then that's
definately a motivation for me to travel once in a while.
Further then that, I am pretty wasted of this weekend. Friday I partied hard,
and saturday I was just trying to block out the friedness i felt, and now it's
being delivered on my plate. I hate feeling fried (is that an existing word?),
because you just can't do the things your heart desires. I think I'm gonna have
a good sleep tonight, hope I feel better tomorrow. Sleep well.
03-09-04
The recording is done! Sammy and me spend about 12 hours recording everything.
We recorded 5 songs:
1. How we fall
2. Something in her head
3. That common goal
4. Feel
5. Today
I am excited about
the raw material we have so far. Wednesday we are gonna mix it all, see what
happens. I want to put the perfect effort into it, for as far as that is possible.
Effort=love. I want to reach sincerety in my music, but still relaxed. So that
music becomes durable. Genkaku said; Fall seven times, get up eight. I guess
that's it for me as well.
28-08-08
Hi peeps, I'm back from turkey. Feeling a bit dazed because I got me a major
foodpoisoning and we weren't too cheap on the alcohol. But further than that
I feel pretty good and hopeful. I feel these flashes of hope again I used to
feel 24/7 when i was young. They feel like coming home.
10-08-04
Today I was trying to study, but i could't do it, i just didn't have the discipline
and couldn't fight the laziness i always suffer from. There's only one thing
that inspired my through the day; this song called "dry your eyes"
by the streets, it's been a long long time since i've heard someone describe
being in love and the sweet pain that's underneath it, so very well. I miss
being in love so much, for some reason so many thing seem so worthless without
love, because for me it is still the highest and purest state i can be in. It
hurts being a romantic person and not being able to reach it because the world
gets to heavy. Life is constantly pushing me anything but romantic stuff in
my mouth, the side of life which seems very dry and unromantic to me, the side
of life i have neglected almost all of my life, like studying (i have always
been a very lazy student), work, obligations, stuff which is very hard to digest
for me. It's like being young when you had to eat the boring healthy food before
getting the sweet desert. But I know life will only treat me with desert if
i eat the healthy food, i can't even enjoy the desert anymore before i eat my
whole meal. So I am gonna have to start taking bits and bites from that, in
the end seeing that there's really not that much difference and this is what
brings joy. I hope that this year i can let go of these expectations from life,
always keeping in the back of my head what makes me truly happy but not letting
the lack of it despair me. I want to deserve my happiness.
02-08-04
Hello people, I'm back from greece, it was amazing, there is so much love in
that country. I'm now back in Holland and miss the warmth, i miss the people,
i miss my friends, i miss the beautiful blue ocean, i miss the purity of it.
I'll be here for three weeks, and will go to turkey for a week, just for partying
that is ;). Eventhough i miss greece alot, and it hurts, it motivates me to
find love here as well, to find warmth, or at least be aware of the love my
friends and family are giving me. It made realise again that I'm a person who
needs this kind of warmth, the warmth of my parents, the warmth of friends,
the warmth of my whole surroundings. It makes me come alive.
I will record
a demo this year, for sure, where and how is not sure yet though. Maybe my friend
Sammy (bassplayer of North) will help me with it. I also wrote some new material
and almost finished a new song called "A long way to love". The new
band i started out with rene and the two girls is not heading on, so maybe i
will start a new band this year, i have to think about that. I want to be in
a band where people really live for it. But it's always good to play in a band,
just for the experience, but a band with a really special interconnection is
very rare. I will speak to u very soon, kiss b
27-06-04
I'm really busy these days, i have one more exam and then I'm done. Next saturday
I'm going on a holiday, to finally get some rest. Well I mean, what is resting,
i don't come to rest just doing absolutely nothing (i used to in the past).
Lately i feel much better if i just keep on doing stuff while resting. Resting
for me is not purely physical, the mental is probably even more important because
the body is the feedback of the mind, always running behind a few steps. That's
why we get a burnout so easily. So what are my plans these holidays? Well mainly
a holiday for me means recharging my battery, thinking about the year to come,
and coming back with a fresh open mind. this means writing alot, thinking alot,
just this whole being away from your daily life can be so good, because it can
bring you back to aliveness. I always used to think that upon getting back to
the busy life, I should be ready to fight again or something. No, the trick
is to bring that space we gained while being away into this life. Because this
life we have here has by far not only to do with our environment, it is our
own minds that makes it so heavy. So wherever you'll go, things will become
heavy again, with the same things we dealt with in our hometown.
So this summer I hope to gain some of that, some sort of fresh experience, so
that when i come back, i can experience the same old things again, the same
old good things and the same old nasty things, things i'm so getting used to,
that they have become my playfield, and I can only get better at the game.
13-06-04
I'm starting out a new band with Rene (drummer of North) and Marjolein (singer
of Lulabelles) and Maybe . I'm curious about what it's gonna be, I just don't
want to start out saying; this is what we're gonna make. I think all great artists,
great bands as Smashing Pumpkins and Ryan Adams ofcourse have their influences,
but they grew out of it, they have so much character in their music, so much
timelesness. Sometimes I just wish I was such a musician. I just don't want
to make music to live up to other bands, to look like other bands, I do, and
everyone has it a bit, have that tension. Like sometimes I make up this riff,
and I just find it cool because it sounds so pro, i think; people will definately
dig this. That is the wrong motivation. I think you should just make music,
in honesty, without trying to be something you're not. Then it comes out fresh,
then you've set yourself free. And isn't it the best thing if people like u
for who u are? Because then u can just make music without having to think about
it, confident, relaxed, without package. I had my birthday party yesterday,
eventhough my birthday is set next saturday, I'll turn 21. Pics will soon be
on www.rashboy.com, rene's site (who also made me this site). I'm empty now.......
06-06-04
North has come to an end. Man, for three years i feel as if i have put my entire
soul and vision into this band. That's it, this band wasn't so much about my
own life, about my emotional stuff, it was about our vision. In Buddhism we
say, that we can connect our own emotional daily life with our vision. So that's
why north was so open, it was just about the question, what binds us except
our material world. And with material i do not just mean our cars and houses,
but also our characters, our attachments. What is it that makes us feel human
and what is it that doesn't make us feel human? What is the thin red line through
everything that has ever been worthy in this world, that has ever touched people,
that wakes up? Ofcourse this is an everlong search and path, that comes with
suprises, gifts and terrible falls. But I treasure North in my heart because
that has always been our guiding line and that has always been my path in North.
If I look back on these years it is almost a miracle how we kept that upliftedness
most of the time. It is good as it is, we made a statement and we made it clear.
it is a shame that we couldn't record our newly made songs, i feel as if they
were very clear about what north is about and more personal. I was talking to
ray the other day and we discussed about what incredible potential North had
for the future, and it did. And we all have!!! But just as our vision we also
have our daily lives, our jobs our characters, our material world we could say.
And there's nothing wrong with that! It's just that it can be so strong that
vision can be overwhelmed. But at least we reached to it, maybe we ignored our
daily lives a bit, and we're paying that price now. Maybe what we stated wasn't
totally what we represented in our daily lives, but at least we work to it,
practicing what you preach doesn't mean you have to be perfect, that's why they
call it practice, it is something we practice, trying to learn.
North is and was
more than a band, it was a statement of what lives in our hearts. So yes, the
band is over, but this vision, is something everlasting, it was not only our
vision, it doesn't only belong to us, it belongs to you and me. I hope that
these three years weren't for nothing, i hope we did made some impression, we
put effort into it and i hope people got some of that and will take it with
them.
We did what we could and I'm very grateful to have had the chance to be part
of it. Thank you very much.
25-05-04
Just being myself, I'm noticing more and more that life is all about that. I've
tried to find happiness in so many things outside myself, but true happiness
is always found in ourselves. You know, how can you ever ever trully be happy
if you don't totally trust your own heart, there's so much distrust towards
ourselves. We think that we have to be shaped into some sort of spiritual costume,
put on a spiritual compassionate mask, because we are trying to find something
higher than ourselves. I've definately been in that phase, trying to improve
myself. But it doesn't work, ego is not something we need to get rid of, because
we can't get rid of it, because it doesn't exist! It's fighting illusion with
illusion! If we become still, we can see the nature of ego, it being empty,
it only exists because we keep fighting/being attached to it. That's why there's
nothing to reach, just being ourselves. In this way Ego can become a flow, serving
us when we need it, giving us room when we need space and compassion. So ego
is nothing bad itself, it is our very mind, it is our character.
I'm turning 21
next month, I asked my sweet parents for a digital camera. I love photography,
I discovered last week. But with a digital camera i can also put some photographs
here, hopefully inspiring ones. I can't wait for the holidays, going to greece.
i know, there's no such thing as escaping, but it's good to change scenery and
challenge once in a while. We're all travelers in the end aren't we?
marleen
13-05-04
Hi, I wrote a new song yesterday called 'Today', it's not totally finished lyrically
but musically I think it's done. Although it seems like a love song, it's actually
about the old me, about my old spirit, the days I felt so extremely alive. About
that whole period, like sometimes you get really nostalgic, and even though
that time is over and i should move on, it's good to swop back sometimes, feel
that missing,. You know, that's why I think heartbreak, in a romantic sense,
should not be casted away, but we can use it, it can purify us. It can make
us pure again, eventhough it's very open. You know, heartbreak is the perfect
period to just get back to yourself, to your dreams, but sometimes heartbreaks
just last very long. I really miss it sometimes, the feeling of heartbreak.
You know, that's the beauty of love, eventhough you are together, there's always
this underlying fear of missing eachother, this can bring so much honesty. We
can open up to that tenderness. I could write a book about the beauty of love,
I adore it so much. Anyway, I will write more about that soon, I'm gonna watch
Wildboyz now (don't think anything wrong), it's this MTV show with two guys
from Jackass just making jokes while snakes bite their balls, anyway, it's damn
funny.....later
03-05-04
He there people, I haven't worked on much songs lately, I guess I just don't
have a lot of inspiration. Days are pretty busy and it's a challenge to also
find inspiration in the midst of things. But sometimes you just wanna go home,
literally, just go to the place your heart is made, where every single object
bows down to your heart, your kingdom. For me that's my parents house, but most
of all it's me being quiet with myself, away from everything., which just usually
happens when I go to my parents house. Sometimes it can be so far away. But
slowly we also start finding that same homecoming feeling in daily life, in
the midst of choas, in going out, everything. I also find that the more I have
these moments, the more they slowly penetrate my fixed world. Letting go more
and more.
The problem with
writing songs for me now is that I know i have enough inspiration to write songs
now, but it takes me so much effort. You know and that's fine, but i think it;s
good to have these breaks in between. Cause like for about a couple or dozen
of songs you really give it all your best, but after that the juice is gone,
it's finished, meaning that you are to sink to a deeper level, sink a little
deeper. You know, This morning I was thinking; how the hell can it be that Michael
Jackson hasn't made any really good song in the past years?, all of his late
songs sound so dried up, as if he wants to be the Michael Jackson he used to
be, he doesn't grow. There's always new juice, but that's the challenge as a
musician, is that life wants you to wake up! We must shake of everything and
go into new phases. That's exactly what How we fall is about, about letting
it be, trust, eventhough there's chaos. I'm gonna sleep now, be well people...
warmth
24-04-04
Had a busy weekend, I ran the world record estafette with some colleagues (and
I still don't have a clue how I ended up there) and afterwards there was a huge
party. Anyway, though it'd be cool to add a picture (I'm the guy with the red
sweater), maybe I'll make a picture book soon, if my friend Rene will help me.
He has just moved some blocks away with his girlfriend, so I hope to still see
him once in a while. Further updates: I'm damn tierd but i feel calm and sharp.
I can't believe i just had a week off and didn't finish one song.
20-04-04
I'm listening to a talk of Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche now (he's the head of the
Shambhala Buddhist lineage I practice). I think it's so great what he does,
You can just tell he really really tries to connect with the western civilisation
and it's people and give us the very simple but powerful methods of meditation.
But not in a dogmatic way at all, you can just hear and read that he doesn't
want people to become buddhists, but he wants people to have a healthy mind
again. The main goal of Shambhala Buddhism is to create a healthy society, not
to make everyone a buddhist. Because in meditation you really discover this
potential, this healthy part of mind, and that it's really possible to just
be happy. I just guess the buddhist definition of happiness is pretty different
than here in the West. Here in the west, i notice it all the time, also with
myself., happiness is mostly based on safety. Having a good financial situation,
having a house in a safe neighboorhood, just making sure we make our way through
life. It has an element of survival in it, as long as we make our way through.
The Buddhist definition of happiness is not, and this is what many people think,
about giving up our entire world and live as a monk (although that's also possible),
it's simply to become a human again, that means enjoyng the beauty of life,
and be touched by the pain of life. Pain and suffering are different things,
we can have pain because a close one died, but on the other hand there's also
alot of beauty in that pain, it can bring us back to ourselves, to nature, to
the beauty of impermanence. Pain can either make us go numb, or live again.
If we open up to our own pain, we can also open up to others. People like Sakyong
give me so much inspiration and hope, because it's fresh, he's one of those
people that LIVES, and just seeing someone who really lives is enough to make
my day.
18-04-04
It's a rainy day today, a rainy sunday. The whole street is so empty, only some
people walking by to let out their dogs and people taking out their garbage.
I just recorded another song here on my lousy computer that runs haywire every
half hour, so that i have to re-record everything again. I recorded the song
'something in her head'. I'm not really satisfied with it though, it just doesn't
seem to work here. This week I'm having a holiday, so I think I'm just gonna
write some new songs, and maybe record one of them. The rest, I'll just record
in a studio. Who knows what the future brings. Oh by the way, my other band
North is also back on track again, we had a bit of a mediocre period, because
of lack of motivation and all of us just being too busy, but that's hopefully
gonna change if we keep on going like this. I'll speak to u soon, I'm gonna
enjoy the extremely dark weather outside, it can be so vivid.
08-04-04
Just came back from Rotown, saw one of my favourite bands; Last days of April.
I love this band, whenever I here the singer's voice, I just dream away, it's
so timeless. I love it when you go to a concert and the music just refreshes
you, gives you hope. And what I love most about this band (i saw them three
times now) is that when they play, they play fully, they are just busy with
music and that's all. Just playing music and letting go of everything else.
It has to be based on compassion, music =compassion. Compassion is nothing more
than the interconnection through people, it explains the corny sentence; music
brings us together, but it's true. It''s almost as if music is not of this earth,
it's something else, it touches people. I think music therefore is one of the
best media's to reach out for people and if you reach out for people with sincerity,
that can change a lot. I already told you I study Buddhism (and forgive me that
I talk about this a lot), but whenever I listen to a teacher, it's not really
the words that touch me (anyone can say everything) but it's the sincerity behind
it that touches me, simple sentences can be of such value. So whenever you're
in a good warm mood, please try and share it with people, we need a little love.
04-04-03
Haven't written here in a while, I have been pretty busy with stuff, some of
it matters, some of it doesn't. I have re-recorded That common goal, into a
bit better version. I really hope to finish about 5 songs soon and burn copies
of them. Maybe I'll send them to small labels or something, and ofcourse for
anyone who wants to listen to it. I haven't written any new songs lately, just
waiting for new inspiration i guess, for new butterflies in my stomach, even
if it's just one. I mostly get inspired to write songs if I listen to other
people who sing a song like they really mean it, people that make music that
really sounds alive and pure. People who, eventhough they might experience pain,
do their best to stick up their heads above the clouds to see the sun. At least
they do their best, at least they TRY to make a change. I've always felt so
connected with these people, like as if they always pull me up. I'm gonna fix
myself some dinner now, I'll speak to you soon. Greetings, Bjarne
21-03-04
I don't know if people read this diary, but I just really like writing. I write
hell a lot at home, it's kind of therapy for me. Ok therapy might sound kind
of heavy, but it's just where I can write about the road my heart is taking.
About things I discover, about confusion, how it feels, how it tastes and how
I burn through. This road has changed a lot though for me, men, it has changed.
When I was 15 I started studying Buddhism, I was very fanatic. I became straightedge
and that was probably the most happy period in my life. All I did was playing
punkrock music in garages with friends, making lame jokes, listening to Shelter
(my main inspiration), skateboarding (at least I tried) and studying Buddhism
in a centre here in Rotterdam. For the first time in my life, I felt really
in place, Buddhism and spirituality gave me such a boost, made me feel extremely
me. On the other hand (and that's what buddhism warns us for) if we become fixed,
we become very solid, we have a very coloured view on how the world ( even a
Buddhist one), our worlds should be. Me, I had a very very fixed view on the
world, and at that time my world actually was in accordance with that view.
But as Buddhism also says; everything is destined to change and pass and so
it did. In those years I also went through some nasty personal stuff, which
made me kind of closed of, I really wasn't the vivid outgoing person I used
to be. So that's it, I had such a fixed view of how life should be, so that
incongruence with life, caused suffering. So buddhism says, that we should slowly
melt the glasses we're looking through, with compassion and not too fast. I
guess that's my journey right now, becoming milder, but still be me. Living
WITH my passion instead of letting it be an addiction (it was for me). But I'm
not there yet. The past years I've actually felt a bit safe not being so passionate
anymore, kind of sleeping a bit through life. Jack Kornfield ( a Buddhist teacher)
calls it; After the ecstacy comes the laundry, if we make life very solid, we
will also experience the flipside of that. Life comes and goes, suffering, happiness,
it also comes and goes, for me finding balance in that is true happiness.
16-03-04
I finally finished the song called 'How we fall'. It's the first song I ever
made with Cool Edit Pro. Though still I'd love to record in an actual studio,
just to have your songs on cd, with good quality. The song How we fall, is very
short, but still has a meaning. It's about relationships with friends, like
it gets deeper and deeper, but sometimes you just don't realise it. Becoming
really good friends with someone is not something that u do, it's something
that slowly penetrates. Chogyam Trungpa ( a buddhist meditation teacher) used
to say, it's like walking through the fog, before you know it, your totally
soaked. That's it with friendship I guess, sometimes in friendship or in relationships,
u just have this click, you let go of all ideas u have about eachother, this
unconditional click, it's very open, like letting go of eachother but still
seeing eachother very clear. It feels like falling, but on a very soft ground.
I'm having a cold today, my whole head feels like a block filled with aches
and nasty stuff. I always feel as if sickness is just old stress coming out,
all the harshness I've been showing towards myself comes out then. That's why
it's always best to rest during sickness, but in a very easy way. I dunoo, if
i just crash into my bed, I only get more and more Ill. I think the best thing
to do when being sick is just letting your whole body just be. than the natural
process of healing becomes active, if we keep on going, it's not.
15-03-04
I spend the whole day yesterday to record one freaking song, after dozens of
recordings and figuring out how the programme works, I have one sample!! I was
just trying to make the song really complicated with a thousand layers of solo's
and weird effects, but at the end of the day the whole song wasn't the actual
song anymore. So I stripped it down again, and now I only have the orignal guitar
version and I'm gonna record the vocals soon, whenever there aren't too many
people in the house, cause if I were them, I'd go totally nuts. I'm gonna record
two songs for the site, and some other songs too. But I'm still not quite sure
what to do with them, maybe someone has a suggestion? On one hand I really wanna
perform, but I feel I have to practice more, on the other hand I really want
to release the songs. That's it for today, please make it a beautiful worthy
day, I'll speak to u soon... b (ps, I'll add some pictures soon)
Only if you drink
from the river of silence, you shall truly sing - Kahlil Gibran
11-03-04
Made some riffs today, a set up for a new song. It kinda reminds me of one of
Dashboard's confessional songs (I know I shouldn't say that). But hey, the things
we listen is also what we create. I don't really think there's something as
a completely self-created stye, I mean, I could do that, but it'd probably suck
;). People have been making absolutely great refined music for years, why the
heck should I change that and make weird robotic music? The guitar is a beautiful
instrument and I'm glad so many people have been making this music. You see,
I don't think it's bad to play some sort of style music, as long as it has individual
magic over it, something added. Like nowadays, there are so many emo bands,
with emo hairdo's and emo guitar riffs, I just get so bored by that. But that's
the art of making music, if you can make something lots of people make, but
still be unique in that.
08-03-04
I've been receiving some comments on my songs. Some of them very positive, some
were a bit critical (which is good, even thou
